Sunday, June 21, 2015

Terrible Films For Terrible Individuals -- Crawlspace

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This week on Terrible Films For Terrible Individuals, I decided to give Josh Stolberg’s film Crawlspace a shot.

Of all of the films I’ve seen with the title Crawlspace (1986, 2012 and this one from 2013), this is the worst. I didn’t read the synopsis or watch the trailer for this film, so I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I know, I know, but this way I couldn’t talk myself out of watching it! I typically hate myself after the fact though.

Moving on, I’ll just tell you what this film is about in a nutshell. Aldon Webber, a man that always has sweaty armpits, decides to hide in the attic of his former home and terrorize the new family that moves in. Parents Tim and Susan Gates are super excited about their new house. On the other hand, their oldest daughter Kayla, who just got back from college, along with their greasy, horny teenage son Shane and their youngest son Taylor don’t really see what the big deal is. As a viewer, it is crystal clear that there is a fuzzy man still living in their home. How the current residents don’t know is beyond me!

Aldon has some dark back story due to his daughter drowning in the swimming pool. (This plot point should sound strangely familiar to anyone who has seen House 1986.) He then loses his home in a foreclosure, sending him into a psychotic frenzy. Throughout the film, Aldon spends the majority of his time annoying the family with his ridiculous shenanigans. At first, it isn’t so bad because he’s simply taking out the trash or opening the garage door. But things soon start to get out of hand because Aldon gets too comfortable. He begins doing things like drinking their milk straight out of the carton. I’m a huge fan of milk, so I’d be pissed if someone were to drink mine, especially straight from the carton. Aldon also sets the TV to power on at high volume at 3 AM, brushes his teeth with Kayla’s toothbrush, watches people through the vent spaces with his bulging eyeballs, watches Shane have monkey sex with the baby-sitter, murders the crazy old woman next-door…and the list goes on! Why is he doing this to the family? Because he has nothing better to do! There was some reason given, but honestly, I just think the writer threw him in the film because they needed an antagonist.

Although this picture has a made-for-TV feel to it, I was occasionally entertained. However, the film ultimately irritated me. The acting isn’t as bad as I expected, which was disappointing because I was really looking forward to laughing at the poor performances. Still, the film as a whole is annoying because you have a man living in the attic but no one over eighteen suspects a thing. The youngest child Taylor sees Aldon and like a little loser, thought he was Santa Claus. You know what’s disturbing? Aldon wasn’t overweight, nor did he have a long beard, and furthermore the film isn’t even set anywhere around Christmastime. So, how this little creep thought a bum in the attic was Santa Claus is beyond me.

Anyway, Aldon is in the habit of making a ruckus in the attic but no one seems to care. No one. Plus, it’s a new house, why not explore every part of it…like the attic? Aldon was so comfortable in that house that he would walk around in broad daylight. He would even take pictures with his head close to Kayla when she was sleeping. Why? Because he is creepy. Other than that, we are given no rational explanation.

I guess that Aldon is supposed to be a whack job who is off his hinges and now he’s on a murderous path of revenge. He does commit murder and some of the murders are creative. However, they are ultimately forgettable. Plus, by the time he actually starts murdering people I just wanted my life back and by my life back I mean I wanted this film to end. This film is not scary at all; it is just annoying and the characters are even worse because they are all dumb. Every last one of them!

There are so many plot holes throughout the course of this film, but one that made me question my life on this planet was when the alarm was going off in the middle of the night and the family discovered that the front door was wide open. Seems pretty frightening, right? Most people would call the police and have them check the house or even sleep somewhere else for the night just to be safe. But the Gates family decides to call the alarm company to shut off the alarm so they can lock their doors and go back to sleep. Huh?! No one and I mean no one expressed any kind of concern as to what was really going on. It’s like all the strange and ridiculous things that were happening were simply swept under the rug. There was even one point where Kayla spots someone spying on her through the vent but somehow it’s just shrugged off and ignored. I was literally screaming at my TV because I could not, for the life of me, understand why no one checked the freakin' attic!

Overall, this film was bland and lacked any real tension. Aldon, the secret, mysterious, attic man who attacks people and drinks their milk was boring. I will keep it simple and say to skip this disaster. You will thank me and so will your doctor. You will thank me for the frustration I have saved you and your physician will thank me for helping keep your blood pressure in check. Mine was through the roof by the time I finished watching this travesty!

NO Queen Skulls because I already wasted enough time watching it and even writing about it. 

Let me walk away with the little dignity I do have.

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