Tuesday, August 13, 2013

FILM -- Rosewood Lane

Rosewood Lane was released in 2011. The only question I have for this film is, "What in the holy FLAMING pits of hell was that?!"

I had this movie on my Netflix instant queue. Unfortunately, I decided to watch it. It took me about 3 days to COMPLETE! I fell asleep on it twice, and when I was awake, I had to take breaks to get through it. It was exhausting, not only to my eyes but also to my SOUL.

Dr. Sonny Blake, the radio talk show psychiatrist played by Rose McGowan, moves back to her childhood home after the death of her father. As she begins to settle in, she finds herself being tormented by the local 38 -year-old paperboy. The paperboy is blatantly ridiculous. Throughout the WHOLE movie, he looks like a sneaky toddler who took a dump on himself and insisted on jumping around, scheming his way to sit on your lap. Also, this ridiculous paperboy occasionally opens his eyes really wide and rolls them to the back of his head--which is supposed to frighten us. Yes, supposed to! All it received from me was a yawn and another page flip through my new ELLE magazine.

Anyway...Derek, the paperboy, has a weird way of selling his newspaper subscriptions. He shows up at Sonny's house and aggressively tries to sell her the subscription. Sonny makes it clear that she's not interested, yet Derek harassing her. Fast forward, while live on the air of her radio show, Sonny receives a phone call, and the person on the line--who clearly Derek, says a nursey rhyme. I didn't get it. I didn't want to understand why, and at that point, I wasn't even trying to understand why. Sonny's boyfriend or whatever he is tries to protect her, but since Derek is acting like a complete psycho, it's hard to do that! This leads Sonny on a search for information on Derek through the neighbors. However, the neighbors, old and apparently helpless, keep their mouths shut. Sonny even tries to tell the police, but come on! We all know what happens. The police don't believe her! That leaves Derek alone to continue jumping on rooftops with neighborhood dogs chasing him. Pure chaos. *SARCASM!*

I'll stop right there to NOT give spoilers. This movie was boring, predictable and ridiculous. It wasn't scary at all though it tried to be by playing intense music which didn't fit the scene. 

DISLIKES! This movie tried to create a modern-day horror villain, but a 38-year-old paperboy with googley eyes?? No, thank you! I love the slow burn movies but this was too slow and boring for me. Most of the time Derek was watching Sonny and others but we never figured out why. I'm not saying there has to be a solid reason, but things weren't adding up. It got to the point where when the movie was ending, although I had all these thoughts in my head--the second it ended I erased the thoughts. I erased the thoughts because I didn't care at that point.

LIKES! There were hints that Derek could possess some sort of supernatural entity which was awesome. I also liked how the action takes place in the suburban neighborhood, mostly in Sonny's home, which could be a horrifying situation! I loved how Lin Shaye made a short appearance. Whenever she's in a horror film, no matter how small her role, she always adds a hint more of eeriness.

I guess Rosewood Lane would be good for people who want a safe thriller since this film doesn't break any boundaries or push limits in any way. If you have nothing else to do with your life or feel you have nothing else to live for...I say give it a go. You may enjoy it!

Since I saw the "twist" in this film coming miles away, I'm going to give this film

 1 out of 5 queen skulls!


  1. I can't watch any movies directed by Victor Salva because he's a child molesting douchebag who did time for sexually assaulting the twelve year old boy star of his first movie - Clownhouse. Here's the worst of it - he videotaped himself doing it - so obviously his art is mixed up with his sickness. He has since made several movies where young teen boys spend a lot of screen time shirtless (Powder, Jeepers Creepers II) and he has made movies that have thinly veiled molester fantasy stuff in them - Powder - about a special boy set apart from humanity because he's different and special - and is destroyed by the uncaring society who can't understand how special he is (this is textbook stuff on how molesters view themselves in the world) and Jeepers Creepers - where a big hulking old man monster pursues a brother and sister - but he really just wants the brother, and the final shot of the movie is again a very sick textbook molester fantasy moment. He should be scrubbing toilets somewhere - not making movies.

    1. I heard about him being a child molester and at first I wasn't going to bother watching the film but I gave it a go and I felt like I wasted my life. Even as far as it goes with Jeepers Creepers, never been a huge fan. Thanks Craig!