Monday, July 25, 2016

Terrible Movies for Terrible Individuals -- Somebody Help Me

Welcome to Terrrible Films for Terible People, a segment where I watch films everybody hates! Today I will be revisiting Chris Stoker’s outrageously bad Somebody Help Me.

Brendan’s girlfriend Serena is about to turn 21. And in honor of that, the couple wants to celebrate the weekend with their friends in Brendan’s cabin. They plan on doing what twenty somethings do, which includes getting drunk and having sex all night. But of course, it’s not that simple! There is a serial killer on the loose in the woods who plans on terrorizing them all.

Soon after their arrival, Brendan notices an old man watching him and Serena sucking face. Does that spook him out? A little but rather than doing the sane thing and getting out of the area, he stays so he can get his freak on. I know no one says that anymore but I LIKE using the phrase "freak on". The couple core group is soon joined by Seth and Nicole, Mike and Barbara and Ken and Andrea who are all Caucasian. This film is the opposite of most horror pictures, in that instead of featuring a token black person, there are token Caucasian people, most of whom are killed off in rapid succession.

What was totally and utterly unrealistic was that despite the terrible things that were happening, the cast still made unintelligent decisions. There were so many things that seemed out of place or didn’t make sense. The creepy little girl who gives them clues had no relation to the rest of the film. And the fact that the police officers never had back up…like ever was maddening. Making things worse, Brendan was the worst boyfriend ever. Sure he took his girlfriend to his cabin for a birthday getaway but truth be told, he was really cowardly and hid from the psycho more often than he stood up to him. I found this utterly bananas because Brendan was the same size, if not bigger than the psycho. Also I get that film is called “Somebody Help Me” but the characters don’t have to keep screaming for help ever 3 1/2 minutes. It’s like, ok, we get it....please give it a rest. Please.

Overall, a horror film with an all black cast was an amazing idea in concept but, the film was crappy and pointless. It was typical and predictable, with awful acting and even worse dialogue. I should have known it was going to be God awful when I saw that it was from Chris Stokes, the director of the absolutely horrible You Got Served. Ugh. For the love of slashers across the world, skip this predictable film unless you want to wind up exhausted and fed up with life. You’re welcome.

NO Queen Skulls because I already wasted enough time watching it and even writing about it. 

Let me walk away with the little dignity I do have.

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