Thursday, June 9, 2016

Terrible Movies for Terrible Individuals -- Spookies

Have you ever come across those movies that makes you want to send them to hell? I mean you want to gather all the remaining copies in the WORLD and literally damn them to hell.

Well, that’s exactly how I felt when I watched Eugenie Joseph’s Spookies. The directors name is Eugenie…I didn’t misspell it.

The opening is a typical 1980s cheese fest, a bloody skull and awful 80’s sound effects. If you aren’t sure what an awful 80’s sound effect is, hit any keys you desire at any given time on a Casiotone keyboard and you’ll know what I mean. I’m fairly certain that all cheesy horror films from that era used the Casiotone keyboard for their soundtracks.

The film opens with a cheap looking grave stone slab that’s extra thin (like a sheet of Mead Memo paper) m with chains around it. We are then introduced to a sorcerer named Kreon who is talking to his dead bae. We don’t see his face but we do see his surrounding area with spooky mansion surrounded by other cheap looking headstones.

We then meet the dumbest 13 year old in all the land. His name is Billy. He is in the woods, alone, at night because his parents forgot about his birthday. Get over it. Lock yourself in your room. Why do you have to run away into the woods in the middle of the night? Of course Billy isn’t alone, he’s being watched by Kreon’s minion who is some kind of hairy monkey man wearing a yellow vest. Billy decides to stop and eat cake and a bum who is also in the woods asks Billy for a light. Billy has one, because what 13 year old doesn’t? The two have a conversation that honestly made me sleepy but ultimately the bum suggests that Billy should go back home. Billy agrees and as soon as he turns away and walks off, the bum is attacked by the hairy monkey man!

We then see Kreon talking to a beautiful woman in a coffin who is wearing a wedding dress. The woman is Kreon’s love and clearly out of his league. He basically talks about his plans to sacrifice people so she can live again and they can be together. Then we meet Kreon’s latest victims, a group of typical teenagers who look like they are in their mid 40’s. The cast consists of: Adrienne, the spiteful British girl and her boyfriend Dave, who is oober feminine; the normal, considerate couple Meegan and Peter; Linda the air head; Duke the douchebag, Lewis the quiet one and his girlfriend Carol. Oh, and there’s also the 9th wheel, Richard who has a hand puppet named Mook. Yes, you read that right. I was exhausted with all those characters.

Anyway, the overgrown teenagers drive down a dark, random road and the hairy monkey man throws a branch across their path that stops their car. No clue why he did that. They could have kept on driving but instead they decided to party in a graveyard because, why not?

From there on out, it becomes an even more exhausting, horrible film that drained the life right out of me. Once it was over, I was physically exhausted, emotionally drained and spiritually worn out. The performances are terrible. The direction is awful, and to call the script paper thin would be too complimentary. This film does nothing to justify its existence and it was clearly made as an attempt to cash in on the success of the slasher films of the late ’70s and early ’80s. By the time Spookies came out in 1986, the slasher boom was coming to an end and films like this did nothing to help sustain its livelihood.

There are zombies that walk around making weird sounds, a zombie fight that last for the better part of 15 minutes, a teen boy getting hot in his crotch after falling down the stairs, weird white stuff, and even more disastrous nonsense that occurs throughout the film. Watch at your own risk but please don’t say I didn’t warn you!

NO Queen Skulls because I already wasted enough time watching it and even writing about it. 

Let me walk away with the little dignity I do have.

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