Thursday, May 15, 2014

Terrible Movies for Terrible Individuals -- Apartment 1303

Apartment 1303 is a remake of a Japanese movie of the same name, unfortunately I never watched that one. However, I can bet my entire shoe collection plus the stores I bought them from that it's just better than this one!

The film starts with a young woman named Janet Slate who wants to get away from her once famous but now always drunk mother (Rebecca De Mornay). As a result, she takes Apartment 1303 in the high rise Lake View Apartments' building without even seeing it. She's a smart one, isn't she?! Well, Janet's sister Lara (Mischa Barton) is a bit annoyed that her sister would do something like that. Anyhow, the first night is just awful for Janet. Not only does she feel a presence in the apartment, but the building supervisor is trying to get in her underwear, and on top of all else, there's a dead girl banging her head against the balcony glass window. The dead girl's part was supposed to be scary. It just wasn't, especially when she is getting tossed around like a beach ball.

For at least the first thirty minutes, we have to watch Janet's horrible acting and outrageous, over-the-top facial expressions. I've never seen the actress who played Janet before; however, I really hope she's a better actress. I wonder if she was suffering from the flu or malaria when she acted in this one. Her character was beyond annoying; words cannot describe how aggravated I was with her. It seemed like she was stating to herself every bad thing that was happening WHILE it was happening. I just wanted to scoop my eyeballs out with an ice cream scooper! Why does she need to tell us this?

There wasn't any element of the film that I liked, nothing at all. The script was just TERRIBLE and corny. I remember within the first ten minutes, I knew I was in for a disaster. The plot was typical and predictable. The acting was so bad, especially due to Janet. It was exhausting how bad she was. I'm really concerned that Rebecca De Mornay took the role as Janet and Lana's mother, Maddie Slate. Are times really that terrible, Rebecca? There's no way she thought that the role was THAT good. Perhaps she was doing someone who was a part of the crew a favor. I saw Mischa Barton in a couple of films and I don't remember her being terrible. What happened, Mischa?! For all the perverts out there, there is a sex scene, but it was just dry and boring like the rest of the movie.

There were plenty of scenes that were supposed to be scary and it looked like they really tried, but I found myself laughing out loud. At one point, I even paused it, re-watched the scene, then paused it again to show someone else so we could laugh together at the ridiculousness! Maybe, MAYBE if those "scary" scenes were actually scary and the characters were more developed, it could have been a decent film. The film was about a ghost haunting the apartment but this ghost was cheesy. It's like they kind of just threw her in the film because someone thought it would be oober cool.

I've been on this planet for over 20 years and I'm pretty sure that ghost films are supposed to be scary. The only thing scary in this film is that it was actually approved and put out in the world for viewers to endure. Overall, this film made me sad for the WHOLE horror genre. It's insanely ridiculous that someone put money and time into this film. Ridiculous. I cannot and will not recommend this film to anyone or anything.

NO Queen Skulls because I already wasted enough time watching it and even writing about it. 

Let me walk away with the little dignity I do have.

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