2003 Clint Howard

Terrible Movies for Terrible Individuals -- House of the Dead

Tuesday, July 15, 2014Zena Horror


Written by Zena, REAL QUEEN OF HORROR
I'm just really insulted. This film should have never been made, especially for theaters.

I have no idea what Mr. Boll was thinking. There is NO way he could have thought this movie was going to be awesome or a success. House of the Dead is based on first-person shooter video game from Sega. I know what you're thinking..that's what made it terrible? No, not at all. When I think about video games that were adapted as movies, I think about Super Mario Brothers and I have no idea why that was made. It was like the people in the film business were trying to ruin our childhoods. Anyway, I knew this film was going to be crappy from the opening dialogue of the film.



The film opens up with narration from a character named Rudy, who sounds overdramatic. I also sensed a bored undertone to his voice...but whatever. Rudy is basically talking about how all of his friends are dead and he's the only survivor of a massacre. Then, we flash back to the day before, where his friends are preparing to meet him at an island for a rave party. Here's the first WHAMMY that I noticed, Rudy is narrating for about an half hour of all the things that happened to his friends, but he wasn't with his friends when they were preparing to get on a boat to come to the rave. I found it bananas that a film with this horrid writing made it to the theaters.

Let's move on to Rudy's friends! First, we have Greg, who spends majority of his time sucking face with his truly, ditzy girlfriend Cynthia. Then we have Simon, who looks like Josh Harnett. I guess they wanted Josh but he declined...smart move, Josh. Oh, and also we're told that he happens to be "the hottest underwear model in America." Um..ok, guys. What does that have to do with anything? Anyhow, Simon has a crush on Alisha, who just so happens to have huge, sloshing boobs and is a fencing expert. Rudy and Alisha used to date or fondle each other naked--who knows? And finally we have Karma, she has a thing for Simon, at least that's what Rudy says during the narration, I honestly didn't notice. Also, Rudy described Karma as someone who thinks she's Foxy Brown. I have no idea why he would say that because she doesn't act tough nor does she have an attitude. Foxy Brown is a whole 'lotta woman...Karma was just the sideline friend. She wasn't the friend straight out of the '70s blaxploitation films, therefore Rudy's assumption of her is just plain wrong and quite racist. 



Back to the review..these friends are on their way to the rave of the year that's on a tropical island. Just as they arrive, they find out that they missed the boat that's going to take them to the island by fifteen whole minutes. Once again, here's a WHAMMY. We cut to the rave and it's in full blown progress. How is that they barely missed the boat but the rave looks like it's been going on for literally hours? How, guys? There are people dancing, girls getting all skanky on the dance floor, and even people who got bored from dancing and headed into the woods for some sexy time with each other. There is something I'd like to touch on before I move forward and that's the rave. I don't know anything about raves, really, and when this film came out I was 16 years old. Back when I was teenager, I didn't care for parties and never went to any. However, if this is supposed to be the rave of a life time, why does it look like there's only 30 people (including the band) at this rave??

Back to the review, I guess...the group gets a ride from a guy with a boat named Captain Kirk. Clint Howard is in this film and I'm not surprised; he just can't seem to get enough of awful films. Clint plays Captain Kirk's first mate and he's the scaredy cat. For some reason, he thinks people who are Hispanic are automatically Mexican. Again with the racism. The person who wrote the dialogue should be banned from script writing along with life in general. Anyhow, they head out to the island and they're being followed by a Coast Guard agent because ol' Captain Kirk is a smuggler.

When the friends arrive to the island, it's completely abandoned. I thought that they would know to turn right back around and leave, but of course not. Plus! If they left, there would be no film...if only. So, these friends don't seem to care and decide to split up because Greg and Cynthia want to engage in naked activities, leaving Simon, Alisha and Karma to head off into the woods. That's when someone dies...it's pretty obvious who. Simon, Alisha and Karma run into their friend Rudy and two other survivors from the rave: A man named Hugh who had a camera during the attack, and a woman named Liberty who was dancing on stage with her 4th of July outfit on. They explain and even show the three friends what happened.




From there, the rest of the film involves them killing the living dead that clearly look like they're in costume. Clearly. I like cool zombies just like most people, but these zombies weren't cool at all. I have no idea why a zombie needs to know how to whistle, but the ones in this film apparently do. The director really seemed to have a hard time cutting to different scenes and I'm not too sure if that's because he was including clips from the video game. Also, I think the director wanted it to seem cool with the characters spinning around when they got their weapons or died, but it was just cheesy. I wasn't impressed; I was annoyed. Why would he include the whole rotating thing? I don't know but it looked TERRIBLE. As far as it goes with the music, I don't really think it fit the film. Then again, I don't think the film fit the film. Techno does not go with everything!


Overall, I wanted to like House of the Dead. I really did, but I didn't. I'm not going to compare it to other zombies films because it is it's own, but just know it was awful! House of the Dead is one of the worst films I've seen in my life. Yes, life. Although this film is terrible, I watched with wide eyes and utter disbelief. Perhaps other people adored this film, I guess that clearly has to do with taste. For all you perverts out there, I guess you can look forward to a few of the nude shots they have. I guess they had those nude shots to try and distract you, but that doesn't work with everyone and it certainly didn't work for me. 

NO Queen Skulls because I already wasted enough time watching it and even writing about it. 

Let me walk away with the little dignity I do have.

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