Federico D. Horror Movie

HOW TO -- Watch a HORROR movie, THE CORRECT WAY!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2014Zena Horror


Written by: Federico D.

Seldom do many of us enjoy a horror movie the right way. We fail to elevate the horror, to make the experience the way we are supposed to make it. Many times I have gone to an action movie where viewers are clothed in items representing the movie. Even going to see a romance movie such as Twilight, my wife needs to have a nice dinner beforehand and check out the night sky after. Moreover, during that particular romance, I found her snuggled so deep under me that her “awes” literally intensified Edward and Jacob’s words. Now, I’m not saying that we must perform a séances or call loved ones and tell them that if we don’t make it back, take the five dollars left in our bank accounts and disperse it among the poor. I simply mean that we can do other things to tease out more of the movie's terror. Below are rules that everyone can abide by while watching a horror movie.

1. Lights need to be off
Everyone should already know this rule, yet I see people break it all the time. Darkness intensifies scary scenes, so I never understand why people keep the lights on; It’s like you don’t want to be scared. If you don’t, then here’s a tip. Don’t watch the movie. It’s plain and simple. But if you want to live on the edge for an hour and a half or so, grow a pair and cut off the lights. You’ll feel like a survivor when the credits roll and the lights come back on.

2. Popcorn or chips
You may think this is for eating purposes. Stop nodding because it isn’t. This is for throwing purposes. Any time a scene comes up that sends hair running from your toes, then the popcorn (or chips) will jump involuntarily from the bowl in your hands to the floor. At this point, you can’t deny that you were scared. TIP: If you perform this in the movie theater, after the movie, give the people on the cleaning crew your most apologetic look. They will completely understand. One time, I even got my shoulder patted by an elderly worker who felt bad for me.


3. Make sure the room is cold
You want to intensify the chills coming from scenes. The only time you can get away with not doing this is if your electric bill is already too high this time of year and you are trying to save. Aside from this, that room better be cold.

4. The right compadres
This is different for everyone. I’m not much of a guy for a lot of loud talking during horror movies; others prefer it. You won’t irritate me too much with whispering; however, silence is golden. This rule of having guests also depends on your tolerance level for having other people in your space. Most of the time, I prefer guests. I have a feather that I like to sneak and tickle the back of people’s necks with during the silent parts of films. This trick works wonders.

5. The right sound system
Nothing is more aggravating than a film you cannot hear or understand because the sound is too low or too muffled. I once watched Friday the 13th with a friend who was proud of his high quality sound system he recently purchased from a Flea Market. Through the newly polished speakers, the film’s classic theme music became an endless, ear-piercing torture of noise similar to aluminum foil being torn all day long at a barbecue. I wonder if my Pepsi is still at his house because I left it when I left in the middle of the movie.

6. A clear throat
You are going to need this for screaming purposes. Example: You remember in the film The Ring where your phone rings after you watch the movie. Well, let’s say your phone actually rings once the credits start rolling. You’re 84% sure that you’re not going to die today, so you bravely pick up the phone and hear that weird screeching noise from the movie. You decide to scream, hoping that me (your current next door neighbor) will hear you. Well, because of your sore throat, I don’t hear a thing. Guess what happens to you a couple seconds later. You guessed it. So keep a clear throat, or at least keep the next rule.


7. A baseball bat
I can’t stress this one enough. You need to keep a weapon that won’t send you to jail but something that will definitely defend you. I remember watching a movie with a pair of nunchucks one time. I was hoping something would try to sneak up on me that day. Aside from my personal machismo, I learned that possessing any defensive tool during a film will offer a deeper attachment to the film. Trust me, it works. And if it doesn’t, you did it wrong.

8. An escape plan
I will tell you right now that no other living person is on my level when it comes to having an escape plan. In case someone wants to sneak in through my window while I’m watching a horror movie, I know that my front door is 856 centimeters from my couch. And if they want to sneak in through my front door, the nearest window is 93 centimeters from me. I can also fit in my safe, where I have a spare phone to call the police or at least this guy who knows a lot about computers. He can probably get the President on the line. Unfortunately, my wife can’t fit in the safe with me. Maybe she should’ve come up with her own escape plan. Best I can do is wish her luck. Anyway, I say all this to stress how important it is to have an escape plan. You never know what’s real, so be prepared for everything.

In closing, I hope that the next time I make a stop by your home or tag along with you to the theater, you have the atmosphere just right. Furthermore, I've just been initiated into the Horror Movie Police, so make sure you don't break any of the laws while I'm on patrol.

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